3 Tips for Raising Supportive Siblings
The squeaky cog gets the oil or so the saying goes. While children definitely are not wheels or cogs the way we focus our attention on them can mirror the way we address the emergent needs of our bikes or other machinery. The noisiest, most attention seeking part, gets the first bit of our attention. We eventually address all of it, but in our busy lives with the tug and pull that happens day to day we prioritize how we respond to all the needs that are presented to us. Emergent, most critical, most persistent first and then other items as they follow. The way we interact with our children is sometimes no different. In many families, the loudest, most demanding, or most assertive child gets all the attention.
Last week as we mourned the death of actor Charlie Murphy, I thought about raising siblings and the challenges mothers and fathers like myself face every day, affirming each child, giving them each your time and attention, the financial investment in their dreams. It's not easy doing all of these things for one child, let alone more than one. For example, when I enter my house, one of my children loves to run up to me with all her work for the day. She quickly blurts out every bit of information she's learned. With excitement and meticulous detail she recounts each moment of her day in her own three year old way. At the same time, my other child who is a little older has learned to take a step back. He gives her the room to share first, he hangs back. I realize my daughter has become the squeaky wheel.
The passing of Charlie Murphy gave me pause to think about how incredible his journey must have been, to be the sibling of a once larger than life Hollywood actor like Eddie Murphy had to be challenging. For those of us who remember the late 80s, Coming to America, Beverley Hills Cop, Trading Places, were huge box office hits. It seemed for a time there was nothing that Eddie Murphy touched that did not turn into gold. As my Facebook newsfeed filled with photos, videos of skits, and meme's of Charlie Murphy's life, I couldn't help but pause and acknowledge the feat he accomplished. Despite being the brother of this famous name, the metaphoric “squeaky wheel”, he managed to carve out a small place for himself in the footprint of film and TV. Our goal as parents should be that all our children, if we are raising more than one, rise to their fullest potential with the support of their family even if they aren’t the most vocal or attention seeking.
So how do we achieve this balance? How as parents do we optimize the busy swirl of personalities in our home so even the quietest or less needy child gets our equal attention. Furthermore, how do we cultivate support and not competition among our children so that it isn’t about the squeakiest or loudest, that each of them can own their space in the family dynamic with confidence and without competition?
As parents we have a huge impact and we set the tone in our homes. Our children do not have to be replicas of each other in our families. So many of us are familiar with homes where siblings have bitter rivalries. They may outgrow them but sadly they can evolve into broken adult relationships. We can intervene early as parents. Here are three important lessons I share with parents in the office about raising siblings and creating a home that minimizes sibling rivalry.
1. Do not use comparisons to embarrass your kids:
How many times have we heard or wanted to say,
“Look at your sister she's got all A's.”
“Why can't you get all A's?”
“Your older brother never gets letters written home from the teacher why can't you be like him? “
These statements which are shaming may seem like a way to push your child forward. However they are actually damaging on multiple levels. They hurt your child's level of self-confidence, and they damage the friendship between your sibling children.
2. Encourage support:
On any given week we may be running from a soccer game for my son or daughter. During the games we encourage each child to cheer for and be excited for their sibling. When our three year old had her first dance recital we made it a point to have her brother hand her the flowers at the end of the show. She was beaming with pure pride that her brother bought the flowers for her and watched her show. He smiled from ear to ear with the accolades and hugs she returned to him in gratitude. Watching that dynamic was as enjoyable as the performance itself. These interactions cement their loyalty and support for each other, which serves them as they grow. Growing up my own mother used to remind my sister and I, "a sister is a friend for life". Help them to develop that friendship.
3. Distribute your time evenly:
You may be laughing at this one, or in total disbelief. I know we are all literally multitasking all the time as parents. Our days are beyond full and time is so limited. However when you're dealing with multiple children in your home, their confidence about their relationship with you helps them engage better with each other. There is less competition when each knows they equally have your affection, and affection and time are sometimes correlated in young minds. Some days you'll hit the mark, other days the balance may be off. Just remember to reset and realign yourself and compensate for where you fell short in time allocation. If you spent longer with one child at bedtime one night, give a hug and kiss to the other and let them know tomorrow you will give them more time. Then make sure to follow through.
The squeakiest cog isn't the only one that should get the oil when it comes to raising siblings. Success isn't about material things or what our kids attain. Success is about them reaching their fullest potential in any positive way they are driven to achieve in this world. We succeed as parents by creating an emotionally safe and supportive environment for all our children so their sibling relationship can thrive.